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May. 18th, 2012

my goodness i miss having close friends that i can see on a regular basis
because there aren't any here anymore really...
Zac hasn't been able to manage even a "hello" for three days, even when I say hello to him first. He seems to be actively avoiding me. Like, I was sitting in the living room where he'd left his laptop, and he walks in, stares at the room for a moment, says "nope," backs out of the room, and leaves the house. It would have been funny if it hadn't annoyed me so much. I don't know what new thing I've done to offend him. Probably nothing. Looking back I really haven't done all that much bad stuff to him, except stand up for myself. WHAT A CRIME

I had a really miserable day yesterday, but it culminated in me unfriending him on Facebook (which I never do, even with people I haven't talked to in years--I only unfriend people who actually offend me in some way), which made me feel way better than it should have. It's a dumb symbolic internet thing, but it helped. 

Now I just have to wait another five and a half weeks and I won't even be living with him anymore!! 

God, it's so weird to think back to last year when I first started being friends with him. When he seemed like such a nice, charming, kind fella. It doesn't even hurt to think of that time anymore, I'm so done with him. And maybe it'll hurt again in the future, a lot, but right now I feel better. (So much giddily better and simultaneously angry that every time he walks past me in the house and doesn't look at me I kind of want to punch him in the face, but still)

Haha... I looked through all his pictures before I unfriended him, in case he had any of me or my other friends that I wouldn't be able to see after unfriending him, and I kept finding things that made me even angrier. Like, the one picture of him and this girl who apparently invited him into a threesome while he was visiting me over the summer. He told me all about her invitation the next day. Who does that? Really? And the one where everyone was in drag because we were going to my college's drag dance. His hair was all straightened and he still had the lumberjack beard, and I think he actually thought he looked good that way... How did I ever find this guy attractive? What?

But I don't really blame myself for liking him anymore. That's why he has so many hookups and so few successful relationships. He tricks you into thinking he's a nice guy, and then he turns into a manipulative, melodramatic prick. Everyone falls for it in the beginning, and everyone figures it out in the end.

What a loser.

(I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that I adore my boyfriend, who is super supportive and who has also agreed to set up a pillow fort with me next time we see each other.)
I withdrew from Spanish after all. My mom wasn't thrilled about it, since we don't get a refund for that class, but I told her I'd pay her back, so hopefully that's sunk in and she'll stop chastising me for doing something that I needed academically and mentally and emotionally. I'm not the only one who's withdrawn from classes this quarter, either; almost everyone withdrew from the Organic Chemistry II class (which I don't have to take, thank God) and a few other people withdrew from Developmental Psych. Apparently withdrawal is actually pretty common, especially among sophomores. I just wish my mom understood that.

Ian is leaving, though. For sure. He won't be back spring quarter, or next year. Well, maybe he'll be here for a week just to pick up his things and say goodbye, but he'll just be crashing here, not attending classes. He'll be gone. And he might be able to come visit me during the spring, and the summer, and next year, but he'll be working. It's hard enough as it is for us to get from where I live to Chicago, where he lives, and the place he's working is in the opposite direction of where I live. So it'll be almost impossible. We're probably both going to have to go to Chicago just to see each other. That means I need a job, since I don't have nearly enough money to take a train into Chicago all the time--it's so expensive, and one trip would basically clear out my bank account at this point--and I also have to be able to pay my mom back for this withdrawn class, now... But having a job means that I have less time to spend that money on going away for a weekend...

I don't know what we're going to do. He's one of my best friends, he's my boyfriend, he's the guy I go to when I hate everyone else, the one I go to when I can't sit in my house anymore without going insane, the one I have dumb wonderful conversations with at four in the morning when we're cuddling and he's hogging the bed and I'm hogging the sheets. And he told me he'd understand if I didn't want to try a long-distance relationship. He said he wouldn't be meeting any girls while working, most likely, so he'd be happy to try the long-distance thing, but he wanted me to have "better opportunities." And of course I said, no, you are a wonderful opportunity, I want to try. But my whole life I've seen people have long-distance relationships, and I've seen how painful they are, and I've always promised myself I would never be in one. And yet now I'm going to be in one.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to cope with it. I know he won't be the one to end it, I will, and I feel like it's almost inevitable that it will end. So now it feels like it's only a matter of time until I stop seeing him every day, all the time; and after that it's only a matter of time until I don't see him at all anymore. And I hate the idea of that. But where will I go when he's not here?

Every fight we have almost seems like it's going to end everything. And sometimes, when it's really bad and I'm really angry at him and crying and just desperate, I wonder if that would be better, to just get it out of the way. When I feel better, I stop feeling that way, but it's scary.
everything i do is wrong.

maybe it really isn't, but i can't help but feel like it is.

Jan. 22nd, 2012

Today I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time.

He told me he couldn't say it back.

I appreciate the honesty, but it hurts. A small quiet hurt, but it really really hurts.

Aaaand the great part: just now, his roommate's girlfriend just posted "I love being in love <3" as her facebook status. SHUT UP BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE

/stupid overreactions

Last night I dreamed that I was back in high school again, but I ended up in class with no clothes and only my bedsheet to cover myself up, so to avoid feeling awkward I kept my headphones on and listened to music, but the teacher called on me and I didn't hear the question, so he was angry and disappointed in me, except the teacher was Robert Downey Jr. and so it was a really big deal that he didn't like me, and then I think people started getting murdered?


This is like all of the stereotypical nightmares rolled up into one. Only things missing are falling from great heights and needing to run but being unable to.

...I'm sorry, Robert Downey Jr.! Forgive meeeeee

So I got an email from the supervisor of the educational houses (which is where I live at school) today... apparently everyone in the house is being charged $50 or more because the house was a wreck when they did their post-quarter inspection.

When I left, I had swept the whole house, and Miranda had made the kitchen absolutely spotless.

Apparently when the inspection happened, there was stuff strewn everywhere, the fridges were still full of food, the electrical devices were still plugged in, and worst, the kitchen had been trashed yet again. There was stuff all over the burners, the floor, everywhere.

So thanks to the lack-of-help from three of our house members in particular, that's at least fifty bucks down the drain. For their fuckups.

I am just.

Why do I live with people like this. This has been a problem all quarter and they kept saying it would get fixed by the time everyone left but obviously that is not true.

I am so considering moving out.

Nov. 22nd, 2011

i am done
with finals

do you know what this means

(it means i have to clean my room and pack but it also means)

I GET TO GO HOME TODAY
IN MAYBE LIKE FIVE HOURS I COULD BE AT HOME

and yeah there will be people i miss here at school, such as my boyfriend and some of the people in my house, but overall THIS QUARTER NEEDED TO GTFO LIKE FIVE WEEKS AGO as did some of the people I live with...
HamletMachine (of Starfighter fame) has officially drawn Homestuck fanart.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

In other news, FUCK FINALS I AM SO READY TO BE DONE WITH THIS HORSESHIIIIIIIIT

i just want to go home for thanksgiving, sob

but first I have to finish writing a lab report and an annotated bibliography and study for two tests TT^TT