Posting Under the Influence. Although the only influence I'm under right now is that of depressing music.

I should just never listen to The Scientist by Coldplay. It never ends well.

So I decided recently (while visiting a nightclub in Peru, actually, which is a long story in itself) that I'm kind of lonely.

I have absolutely no right to complain about this, mind you. I broke up with my first and only boyfriend because there really was no future in that relationship, and now I think we're both happier. We're still friends, at least, which is more than I ever expected. And he's dating someone new, which doesn't actually hurt at all.

But, dancing in that club, to music that's way too old to be "cool" but which passed as such, surrounded by people who were dancing with people they knew and people they loved (or people they had sex with, I suppose), I realized I really want that with someone. Maybe tomorrow, maybe someday, but... I want it.

Maybe it's partly because dancing is pretty much coded into my DNA, and none of the boys I know are willing to even TRY to dance. I know that's at least part of it; it's a bigger part than it logically should be. 

It's not just the dancing, either. It... hmm. Maybe it's less than I dislike things about other people, and more that I dislike things about myself, or that I want something out of life that I can't get.

Yay for making no sense! Hooray.

I guess I can just tl;dr that whole damn thing with "Sometime Around Midnight means something new to me now, and that combined with Peru combined with a thousand tiny things makes me want something desperately, but I'm not sure what exactly."

Also, to anyone who read any/all of this: I'm so sorry. D: Um, th-thanks?

So my dad and my mom were arguing about something in our downstairs kitchen. I think it was about the bugspray we have to spray all my clothes with before I go on my trip... and my mom was afraid my dad hadn't done it right, and I'd get some horrible jungle fever from bugs or something...

While this is going on, I'm in my room upstairs listening to really, really happy music, right? Best Friend by Toy-box. And at the end, I hear my dad yelling something like, "if you're not happy, then FUCKING GO DO IT YOURSELF." It rattled my closed door upstairs. And he comes bounding up the stairs and slams their bedroom door closed so hard I felt it through the floor.

Wow, Dad. Way to be mature.

So I go take my shower, and while I'm in there, my mom comes in to put some soap next to my sink. When I get out, the bathroom door is wide open and I'm naked and freezing. So I call out, "Thanks for leaving the door wide open, Mom!" and shut it.

From my parents' bedroom I hear my dad say, "I don't ever want to hear that again." In his srs bsns voice.

Am I crazy or is my dad pathetically hypocritical? Yes, I know sarcasm may not be the wisest or most polite choice. But at least I didn't scream at her and then run upstairs and slam the door like a fucking five year old.

 And there's so much I want to do this summer!
-work on 5 Stages (the renamed version of P:M:T (Psychic:Monster:Timebomb), because that title sucked)- CHECK.
-make stuffed animals.
-possibly SELL stuffed animals if they don't suck too bad. Yay etsy or Deviantart! Or something!
-make some more t-shirt designs and possibly sell those, too.
-stop sucking at drawing anatomy! I mean, holy God. Those arms are TERRIBLE. And I'm not even gonna mention the legs. Or shoulders or backs or ankles or hands or wrists or neck and yeah, I need to get better.
-Do more realistic drawing!- Check? I'm improving every day...
-learn to play more COMPLETE SONGS on the piano. Such as With Pearly from Phoenix Wright: Justice For All www.youtube.com/watch     check!
or Maya's Theme from the same game www.youtube.com/watch
or even The Steel Samurai theme from the same game, again www.youtube.com/watch  
if I feel particularly ambitious. NOT CHECK, but I'm animating Steel Samurai, so....
Videogame music is fun to play on the piano... especially when it's easy to learn, such as the 8-bit-type music found in Phoenix Wright!
-write my OWN music on the piano. CHECK.

Maybe I'll paint a bit this summer too... I enjoyed painting on canvas, the one time I did it. The only thing is, I'd have to buy more paint, and I'd have to actually start painting WELL. But whatevs.

I'm gonna start with the music and stuffed animals, I think.

Why?

Today sucked SO MUCH. I don't even know why.
Well, I guess it started off badly... having to explain an "inappropriate" picture that my mom had seen to my DAD. And even though I spent hours on it, I'm not allowed to post it on Deviantart.
Plus I have no idea what's going on in math, and there's a quiz tomorrow and a test wednesday.
and i'm frozen. my fingers are so cold they can barely type.

I cried four times today.

I've been alternating between Nevermind and Beautiful Soul all day, which can't be a beneficial combination.

All my friends and family have been depressed at some point. I can't help wondering if I'm following along, even now, out of some delusion of fitting in. Maybe I'm not really depressed at all. Maybe I'm just following the trend.

I don't even know why I'm sad. None of the things bugging me are in any way new. They've been around for a while now.
So why is it bugging me now more than ever?

Even my duckie pajama pants aren't cheering me up, and when those fail I have a serious problem.

...everyone who reads this is going to fixate on the duckie pants and think "aww, how cute, she must be joking around," aren't they? I'm not. I am sad. The joke is just because I'm used to trying to be witty and funny. Not that I ever succeed.

Wow, this whole journal is just a way to stroke my ego, since my friends who read this will feel obligated to tell me how great I am to make me feel better. I don't want them to feel obligated to do that. I'd just as soon have no one comment on this, since it's more me needing to say it SOMEWHERE than it is me needing to say it TO someone.

I feel so pointless. I probably just weigh people down. My boyfriend deserves better than me and so do my friends. I know I'm pretty socially inept, and I'm surprised that everyone I know has stayed with me even this long.

 This is part one of a story I'm working on, about a boy named Felix whose computer time leads to all sorts of mishaps and events. Sorry about the formatting, it's apparently how I type at three in the morning.

( linnk )

 Disclaimer: swearing, mean names, GHEY.

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No matter how broken your heart is, it'll keep breaking until the pieces are too small to repair.

"It's not you, it's me." "It's not all your fault."

I wish people would just say "You're not good enough" and be done with it.

They say duct tape can hold anything. So I need your help opening my chest and taping up my broken heart. I need you to do it because I know you like shiny things, and duct tape is shiny. So everybody wins.

There's a girl I see all the time whose totebag reads, "All we are is lunch for the sky." I guess I'd rather be eaten by the sky than by anything else. At least I'd touch the stars while being swallowed.

It's the new fad that kills
tips of razors, scissors, nails
beggin for a reason
smearing excuses on the walls
the gunshot tears pool on the floor
you slip and fall
and everything goes black
like the coffee you spilled when she left you
I watch you die
a little at a time
I know reaching out is futile
I tried it once
you pushed my hand away
I can't catch you if you jump
pinprick freckles like stars
peel off your face and wander to the sky
as you abandon your shell of flesh
and take the leap
only to discover
you're alone.